A Home in Me 

I have sadness balled up in my throat
I can taste it
Feel it

​

The sadness has built a home in me
I recognize it
It has come home, again

​

You hurt me by hurting my feelings
Am I so independent that you forget I feel pain?
I know pain

​

It lives inside of me
It knows my name
And has my address

​

You hurt me by hurting my feelings
Am I so independent that you forget I feel pain?
I know pain

​

And it isn’t even you that I am mad at
I saw signs long ago 
that you couldn’t keep up with me
I saw signs long ago 
that you wouldn’t hold me dear
I saw signs long ago 
that you weren’t the one
I saw signs long ago that, just like in my childhood, 
I needed to take care of me (alternate: I took care of me)

​

This sadness in me has made a home
A home from my throat into my belly
I ache for you to be replaced
But then will I be alone?

​

Is it better to just be hurt?

(May 16, 2021)

​

​

The Same Wind 

As I listen to the waves
I feel my nervous system say
Plan to go home, feel less alone
Lucky in having my gut saves
Set your situation (alternate: destination), then stay

​

A breeze is
A blessing in summer
The same wind
An insult in winter

​

I want to belong
Away from harm
Tired of asserting myself
Putting my health on the shelf
When do I get invited in?
Where do conversations begin?

​

Alone is when I can hear
The needs I have come clear
“Sweeping the clouds away”*
With glitter and glue
And a song or two
May family past and future
Relations I have to nurture

​

I want to belong
Away from harm
Tired of inserting myself
Putting my heart on the shelf
When do I get invited in?
Where do conversations begin?

​

Absorb me
I want to sing an “Earthquake Song”*
Absolve me
I want to have “Volcano Vision”*
This hotspot in my mind
Let it find a place to stay
In my heart and not my mind
A past to leave behind
But not to betray

(March 18, 2021)

 

*Quotes from Hibiscus’ scrap book The Angels of Light Free Theatre reproduced in The Cockettes: Acid Drag & Sexual Anarchy by Fayette Hauser